i had this really weird dream just know.
it was about you. not you you, but you.
i felt exactly the same way.
just like 2 years ago.
it was scary.
i can't even hide my feelings in a dream.
just great. why am i so readable.
But in reality, I don't feel anything anymore.
not sure if i am just hiding it in or if its really real.
i don't know what's real anymore.
because you think you feel a certain way now,
it completely changes the next day or next week or next month or year or decade.
and i can go on and on.
i think that is the most scariest part of human nature.
the ability to adapt, even if it means leaving what you love behind.
or what you use to love. You hurt yourself, you hurt other people.

i'm the worst when it comes to change.
i hate change.
i dislike having to move forward.
it unnerves me to leave my security behind.
isn't a good thing, but i'm learning. :)

sigh. the previous paragraph is like shouting out my mistrust towards
people. i can't help it. i really dislike how i let people in,
but end up being too vulnerable, and getting hurt.
SUCH a teeny bopper assumption but you HAVE to admit it's true.
not saying EVERYONE but some.
Really comforts me that men will fail me but God never does.
the only person who will actually hold you and never let go (metaphorically)

but then again, if life was perfect, there isn't even a need to have a heaven.
so the more hellish it gets here,
the more i look forward to going to heaven.
i wish i can go right now and be with God.
where there is no pain, no sorrow, and no tears.
just pure joy. pure love EVERYWHERE.
the only thing i wonder is that if my cat can go with me :)
haha. that would complete the picture.
I can literally just cry at the thought of a place
where I won't have to struggle everyday,
and be happy. really happy.

I think i know why people have pets.
They give owners something that people aren't able to give.
complete comfort and loyalty.
I can see a little bit of God's character in them.
(other than the anyhow peeing and pooping part)
No matter how much you let tell them off for something wrong they did,
vent your anger at them,
annoy them,
ignore them,
mistreat them,
under feed them,
(not saying i do all of that!)
the still crawl back to you and want your presence.

No matter how much i say i don't need God,
how I only need to rely on my own wisdom and not God's,
rather do things my way which is the wrong way,
angry and bitter towards God,
He still freaking loves me.
Which insane person loves such a failure like me.
I have so many flaws i can't even count.
I can never dare to say that God doesn't exist.
Plus i learn all the science and stuff.
the human body itself is living proof.
we're so detailed.
:)
before this becomes some kind of propaganda,
i end here.